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Long Lost Sister or Secret Sister?

Unless you have been under a rock for the last few years, you would have seen, heard of, or even read about the programme Long Lost Family.

Here at Finder Guru, those shocks, surprises and twists are a part of our everyday lives.

One of the things we always try to impress upon someone that that is searching for a sibling, is that the other person may not know about you.  You may be looking for a long lost Sister, but to them, you are a secret Sister. The shock value can be enormous. And this is exactly why a neutral expert on the case is always kinder than a very in your face social media plea.

We have worked on several cases over the years where both sides have discovered they have secret sisters. Whilst this is no less emotional than other cases what it does give the sisters is common ground.

However, if one Sister knows about the other, they are approaching this from an entirely different perspective. They have spent months or even many years, wondering about their long lost Sister. What do they look like? Would we get on? Do they have children? Am I an Auntie? The thoughts can be constant and endless. Years of hopes and expectations may have built up into a bubble that can, and sometimes does, burst.

The one with a secret sister is obliviously living their life. Absolutely clueless as to the turmoil of their Sister.

*Alice* embarked on a journey for the truth when she was in her 80’s. She knew there was a chance she could have a Half-Sister. When we found her though, we discovered Alice was a completely secret Sister- read about her amazing journey HERE

These potential situations need to be managed carefully. These journeys are not something to take lightly and we always impress that upon our clients.  We often get an enquiry from someone that has decided to search for a long lost sister. So we are very good at understanding where that person is on their journey.

For those that have finally decided after many years to make the step towards searching, a very real danger is the ” I have decided I have to do it NOW before I back out’ scenario.

This is the hardest to manage one. Because we can see you are ready to run full pelt into this, and we are trying to slow you down. Sure, we could just take your money and do it. But that will not marry with our ethics and it will not maximise your chances of a good outcome.

Choose A Secret Search For A Long Lost Sister

Sadly, for some people, the urge to go quickly without caution leads to them taking matters into their own hands. Resulting in very public social media requests. Once they are out there, you them have no control over what is happening. The person you are looking for is then being hunted. With the absolute best of intentions, they are smothered with sometimes hundreds of comments and messages from people they do not know.

Roll that word in your mind. HUNTED. Publicly, by many strangers. Consider that carefully.

Whilst the internet world is full of helpful strangers and well meaning people, it does not take away the fact that you have just looked for someone in the most indiscreet, highly public and terrifying way.

Do you want your long lost sister to be messaged by a complete stranger on Facebook. Told in the supermarket , or even have their children asking them questions? Do you want their first experience of their Secret Sister to be humiliatingly public?

Many years of experience in this field have taught us that no. No they don’t. Because when the news comes, it needs to be as kind and discreet as possible. It needs to neutral, professional and safe. They need a website to check out, a person they know is trustworthy. They need a number to ring in confidence and they need to be able to say “I am not ready for this”, “Can we do this slowly” “ I am absolutely in bits with shock I need space”.

Sometimes, your long lost Sister is the one who wants to go at 100mph when you are plodding at 5mph.  The surprise of a secret Sister is often a joyous and happy occasion. They want to ring you straight away, meet you straight away. It can be overwhelming and just too much too soon.

That is why we at Finder Guru mediate between the people involved in the search. We carefully manage the emotions and needs of everyone and know when to put the brakes on someone a little until the other is in the same place. We know when someone needs a little encouragement or has questions to ask that they cant face asking themselves.

We really do understand why people search themselves using social media. And we also understand that money is often an issue. We are not oblivious to the fact that some people cannot afford to use an expert tracing company. And this is why we are bang in the middle on pricing and right at the top for support.  We see the problems that a public search causes and it makes us very sad because we can see the potential issues that will arise and we know you are completely on your own with it all.

We want both the long lost sister and the secret sister to have the absolute best possible outcome that is right for them.

One of the things we do to help this along is the ‘letter exchange’. If one is not ready for contact, we may ask you to exchange email addresses only so you can speak that way. But, our greatest success comes from the thought and care of handwritten letters.

There is something remarkably personal about someone having taken the time to write to you in such a way. So if you prefer that, then my address is the PO Box and I redirect the letters to the other person. I do not read them. Then when you are both ready you can exchange details.

“It took my Secret Sister 28 years to contact her Long Lost Sister. It took me almost 6 months to be able to ring my Secret Sister. It took my Brother about 20 minutes. Neither of us were wrong.”- Nicola- Founder of Finder Guru

Let experts manage your search for your long lost sister. Let her discovery of a secret sister be an occasion that is well managed, calm and safe.

Use Finder Guru.

Contact us HERE